The “why?”

Many things in life are always about “why”? The problem is that sometimes that “why” is either poorly defined or completely, nay, — dead wrong.

So why here? Why now? Why another website?

Nearly a year ago, I broke my back and it completely changed my life. In an attempt to get high-speed internet, I fell through the attic hooking up cable. I did finish that task later that night by the way. It hurt. It felt as if I were going to die. I refused to go to the doctor because I thought it was simply a soft tissue injury. I did things. I went backpacking. I found out later that I had indeed broken my back. An MRI revealed some time later that I had four such nasty places in my back.

whyThere was the pain that eventually got worse instead of better. The things that I had once enjoyed were quite possibly never within my reach again or not how I was accustom. Then, there’s the failing business. This toppled with failing relationships [friendships and the romantical¹ type] and my past. Soon the weight became to be unbearable.

I never took narcotics for my back as I have a certain aversion to ingesting chemicals. I would have been happy to smoke weed but alas it’s not legal for me to do so. And that line right there — I’m sure I offended many that I know.  And yes, I would smoke weed over taking a pill. It’s more natural. Alcohol was good but it makes you fat. I didn’t don’t drink to get drunk but to slow my mind down — sedate myself if you will.

Ironically, I have the book knowledge. I have the degree. But, I couldn’t fix myself mentally. As life seemingly kept growing more volatile by the moment, my life became as a labyrinth. My suppressed mind was at its breaking point. Depressed and worn physically and mentally, I thought about things. I thought about how little value my life was here but I sure was worth a lot of money in the ground. My mind saw that I could help alleviate the stresses of a few people and I wouldn’t be missed. Sure, there might be tears but they would quickly dry up as I’m forgotten. Life is only a vapor anyway.

When my best friend asked about what I was doing and hinted that it sounded like I was going to kill myself, I responded, “I was.” With that he responded, “I can’t deal with that. Don’t tell me that stuff. You’re just trying to be dramatic.” Obviously, my emotions were like a cat 5 hurricane — a smothering avalanche. My friend, my brother couldn’t be bothered by me because I simply didn’t matter.

Later, I reflected on the things that people say in response to suicide. But what about Jesus? You’re just trying to be dramatic.  You’re just a coward. You’re selfish. Your life isn’t that bad. It could be worse. Others have it worse. You have so many things to live for. You’ll bust hell wide open.

Why am I here? It isn’t because I still don’t struggle or have depressed thoughts. It isn’t because my former best friend and brother gave a flippin’ woot — because he didn’t. The thing that helped bounce me back was looking at my dog look back at me as I took him walking. He loved me unconditionally. He didn’t care about my struggles. He didn’t care what I looked like or I smelled like. He simply loved me.

While this is only abbreviated version of everything that happened, it’s not the details that matter. It’s life that matters. It’s you and me, we all matter.

We have to be there for each other and even those who are strangers to us. We never know what is going on in the shadows. While people sit in darkness, how will they see any light if we can’t be bothered to see them.

As for now, I chase my passion — nature.

¹No crap…it’s not a word.

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